Trust the story
I began this blog in February before the entire world stopped living "normal" life with the global spread of COVID-19. It seems that perhaps this is the time to finish what I started a few months ago. We are about half a year into living life in the vast steamy rainforest of Gabon. We have joined an amazing team of mainly medical cross-cultural international workers. There are multiple layers of culture at play here at this little mission hospital station on the hill. River waters carve around three quarters of our hill, the sound of the swiftly coursing currents sing on either end of our half-circle of housing. The whirling mix of cross-cultural layers here begin with the local host Gabonese culture, bringing it's varied tribes and languages. The Gabonese culture combines with the American culture and the Western medical culture that many in our team impart as they train African surgeons, ophthalmologists, midwives, and nurses including the relatively new anesthesia nursing program, and also included in this mix are even more diverse African cultures (non-Gabonese) that the various medical students, surgical residents and hospital staff bring to this vibrant corner of the rainforest.
Of our team of international workers (IWs), I am one of four that are not medical doctors. When I go down to the hospital to work in Appro (the large pharmacy/supply building on campus) I am often mistaken for and greeted as a doctor by the patients I encounter because I am a white foreigner and most of the white foreigners there at the hospital are doctors. I came to a meeting the other day and one teammate was a little late and a bit out of breath as she had just come from performing an emergency cesarean section on a woman with complications that lasted for hours. The other teammate showed up and they began talking about their various challenging surgeries. I sat and listened and thought how my time leading up to that meeting was made up of much more mundane tasks than that of saving a mom and baby during an emergency surgery. These kind of interactions can be a little intimidating and can lead to questioning one's overall value on a team like ours.
This human way of finding our worth in what we do - our careers and our talents and skills is profoundly contrary to how God views us and our worth to Him. This next bit is mostly thoughts taken from the BEMA podcast, not necessarily word for word, but holistically, and my response to it: (specifically minute 25 or so through to the end of the podcast, you can find it here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-bema-podcast/id1148115183?i=1000375077943) Also I do not necessarily agree with or believe every detail brought up in the podcast but I love the overall fascinating arc of ideas and perspectives this podcast brings about.
I think what I find most challenging is not my value to God as a producer of works/things but as His crowning achievement in creation. Sabbath; true rest is profound in it is where I find the truth of my worth. Am I worthy because of what I can do/make/produce? Or am I worthy because of who God is and in my relationship to Him as being His created one? Too often I am running around being consumed by my need to be recognized and appreciated as a contributing member to my team/family/community by what I can do (produce) for them; by how I can help. This hamster wheel of constant striving leaves me feeling depleted and empty, insecure and fearful that I will not measure up and will not be a valuable member but rather a drain on my community. Oh the exhausting and never-ending cycle of want. This way of living that I so easily fall into leaves me dry and grasping, it seems there is never enough and the checklist of tasks is never ending and, at my worst moments, I am disappointed with myself and others. All I can see is my lack. I live in a state of scarcity and I spend so much energy/effort trying to conceal it. Maybe I can fool them into thinking I am worth the space I am taking up here on this remote hospital station of limited housing?
While listening to this particular BEMA podcast I was hit full force by God's sacred truth of my identity. I found myself weeping as portions of this podcast washed over me like a cool balm of healing in a scorching land of my hidden and chronic discontent. The idea is we can find ourselves all wound up in the ancient Egyptian narrative which is all about the production of bricks 24/7. Like the Israelites leaving Egypt, they were slaves to a system of brick-making that they/we don't even really understand. It's all about producing and impressing and showing up to be the thing that they/we think they/we have to be... God says you need to know how to stop, sabbath, shabbat, "to know how to join Me in the seventh day; join Me in celebration that I've made a good creation; trust the story.
God has made a good creation including me! The Jewish day of rest begins when the sun goes down, at sunset. Sabbath begins Friday night at sunset. Your day doesn't begin with production; it doesn't begin with getting out of bed and thinking of all the things you have to do today. Your day begins with resting! The first thing you do is rest, because your identity begins with who you are in Christ, not in what you do! God tells us what He told the Israelites, we are not valuable because we make bricks as slaves, but, we are valuable as His crowning achievement in creation. Wow. That truth washes over me with the radical strength of healing. It's like I'm taken off the ventilator of worldly ideals. I, then, suck in the clean pure air of God's Kingdom and His awesome truth - that we are His created ones, designed to live a life contrary to the ideals of this, untethered from God's narrative, earthly kingdom! That oxygen fills my lungs with life-giving breath and a sense of cleansing contentment. I am no longer tethered to a tube of dry, stale air, in a semi-conscious state, on a hospital bed of insecurities and ceaseless strivings. My identity must be re-tethered to God's narrative. I am His. I am found... again... and again... I need to relearn the unforced rhythms of His grace. I need to trust His story. The story He is creating. The story that I am a part of, that began thousands of years ago and will continue for eternity. I can live in a state of generosity over scarcity in light of God's profound narrative. Trusting the story during a global pandemic while living in a foreign country with closed borders.
Of our team of international workers (IWs), I am one of four that are not medical doctors. When I go down to the hospital to work in Appro (the large pharmacy/supply building on campus) I am often mistaken for and greeted as a doctor by the patients I encounter because I am a white foreigner and most of the white foreigners there at the hospital are doctors. I came to a meeting the other day and one teammate was a little late and a bit out of breath as she had just come from performing an emergency cesarean section on a woman with complications that lasted for hours. The other teammate showed up and they began talking about their various challenging surgeries. I sat and listened and thought how my time leading up to that meeting was made up of much more mundane tasks than that of saving a mom and baby during an emergency surgery. These kind of interactions can be a little intimidating and can lead to questioning one's overall value on a team like ours.
 |
| Bongolo Hospital campus - Photo by Ulrich Ilema |
I think what I find most challenging is not my value to God as a producer of works/things but as His crowning achievement in creation. Sabbath; true rest is profound in it is where I find the truth of my worth. Am I worthy because of what I can do/make/produce? Or am I worthy because of who God is and in my relationship to Him as being His created one? Too often I am running around being consumed by my need to be recognized and appreciated as a contributing member to my team/family/community by what I can do (produce) for them; by how I can help. This hamster wheel of constant striving leaves me feeling depleted and empty, insecure and fearful that I will not measure up and will not be a valuable member but rather a drain on my community. Oh the exhausting and never-ending cycle of want. This way of living that I so easily fall into leaves me dry and grasping, it seems there is never enough and the checklist of tasks is never ending and, at my worst moments, I am disappointed with myself and others. All I can see is my lack. I live in a state of scarcity and I spend so much energy/effort trying to conceal it. Maybe I can fool them into thinking I am worth the space I am taking up here on this remote hospital station of limited housing?
While listening to this particular BEMA podcast I was hit full force by God's sacred truth of my identity. I found myself weeping as portions of this podcast washed over me like a cool balm of healing in a scorching land of my hidden and chronic discontent. The idea is we can find ourselves all wound up in the ancient Egyptian narrative which is all about the production of bricks 24/7. Like the Israelites leaving Egypt, they were slaves to a system of brick-making that they/we don't even really understand. It's all about producing and impressing and showing up to be the thing that they/we think they/we have to be... God says you need to know how to stop, sabbath, shabbat, "to know how to join Me in the seventh day; join Me in celebration that I've made a good creation; trust the story.
God has made a good creation including me! The Jewish day of rest begins when the sun goes down, at sunset. Sabbath begins Friday night at sunset. Your day doesn't begin with production; it doesn't begin with getting out of bed and thinking of all the things you have to do today. Your day begins with resting! The first thing you do is rest, because your identity begins with who you are in Christ, not in what you do! God tells us what He told the Israelites, we are not valuable because we make bricks as slaves, but, we are valuable as His crowning achievement in creation. Wow. That truth washes over me with the radical strength of healing. It's like I'm taken off the ventilator of worldly ideals. I, then, suck in the clean pure air of God's Kingdom and His awesome truth - that we are His created ones, designed to live a life contrary to the ideals of this, untethered from God's narrative, earthly kingdom! That oxygen fills my lungs with life-giving breath and a sense of cleansing contentment. I am no longer tethered to a tube of dry, stale air, in a semi-conscious state, on a hospital bed of insecurities and ceaseless strivings. My identity must be re-tethered to God's narrative. I am His. I am found... again... and again... I need to relearn the unforced rhythms of His grace. I need to trust His story. The story He is creating. The story that I am a part of, that began thousands of years ago and will continue for eternity. I can live in a state of generosity over scarcity in light of God's profound narrative. Trusting the story during a global pandemic while living in a foreign country with closed borders.
Comments