Transitions and transformations, moving out of the remote forest, back to the capital city and spiritual formation training

For Christmas we gave each of our kids a couple of books, one of them is called, "The Book of Common Courage" by K.J. Ramsey. It's a beautiful little book filled with prayers and poems. On the back cover a small paragraph beckons, 

"When you are broken and weary and can't find the words to say, come find safety in these pages. Be reminded that no matter what small or hard or impossible moments you face today, Jesus is offering you His courage to show up in your story."

I've been curiously absent from posting blogs for a long time. In the last couple of years life has thrown us some hard and seemingly impossible moments. I have tried to hide and numb out, to avoid and skate on by. I have raged against forces outside of my control. I have wrestled with God and people, near and far. I have wanted to walk away. I have doubted myself and others. I have cried. I have had many sleepless nights as I try to make sense of those hard and impossible things. Confusion and pain have been close companions. 

It started when I went back to the US to care for my mom during her lung cancer surgery and subsequent chemotherapy in the summer into fall of 2023. My mom and I were faced with a very real possibility that she might not make it through her treatments. There were talks of bucket lists and what ifs. There were hospital stays and recoveries followed by days of chemotherapy stretched across four months. It was a sobering time. But as you might have already known, my mom came through and she is living cancer-free, although, with less of her lung capacity.

Around that time our mission team at the Bongolo Hospital was going through extended times of prayer and discussions at the direction of leadership from the US. This is a planned program done every 5 years called a Strategic Review. It's a good time of praying and dreaming with an engaged leadership team working in concert with the team in Gabon. In the end, the external leaders guided the team toward excellent values that we all agreed with. However, the details were not aligning with some important foundational aspects of the aviation program that Steve directs for the hospital. We tried proposing ways to work through those details, however it proved too complex. It was a very confusing and challenging time for us. Although not our direct leaders, these external leaders are ones that we collaborate with. After much prayer and communication (with local church leaders, our sending church leaders, other trusted advisors), we understood that we would need to move back to Libreville where we had previously lived for 5 years. Although it was hard to fully understand, we saw that this was needed to allow for the space for external leaders to implement their changes.

We looked towards the positives and started to see some benefits. There had been a coup in the government that year and it made sense for Steve to be based in Libreville to get to know and connect with new government leadership in Civil Aviation. Also, we would be closer to the president of the church (EACMG)- the one who agrees to our activity in Gabon and signs our contract. 

The above are two, nice and neat paragraphs that synthesize some deep soul-searching and grief. We have struggled to know how to communicate these changes without hinting at or seemingly throwing shade on a Godly external leadership team that has faithful led, over many decades, a vibrant but deeply challenging ministry. Those leaders continue to lead with prayer and a wide range of experience and knowledge. 

We took a week to find a suitable place to live in Libreville. We saw over a dozen places from houses to apartments across many neighborhoods in the city. We had a list of non-negotiables like water reservoirs and generators and onsite security. Steve would be leaving overnights for flights from time to time and we both needed to feel secure in our new home. We found an amazing two bedroom, two bath apartment in the same neighborhood that is home to embassies and diplomats.

The apartment is tiny but mighty with what we call our "hobbit loft area"- a space that is expansive on the floor level but not so much vertically. One can stand upright in the center of the room where the bathroom is placed but as you move in either direction one has to stoop lower and lower until only sitting is possible. It was important to us that we could host overnight guests in our new home. This apartment had the eat-in kitchen, ground floor bedroom with bathroom and loft area as the only fully closed in spaces, the living room space was out on an open terrace. Fortunately, our landlord, who lives below us, was happy to let us install windows on the terrace and make it our fully enclosed living room. That beautiful terrace living room looks out over the estuary and beach with palm trees swaying in the sea breezes. With our small budget, only God could give us such a gem of an apartment!

We have hosted over 100 times since moving in late last March. We have been here nearly a year and enjoyed many overnight guests, singles and families, as well as day stay visitors, as we are only (without traffic) a 4-minute drive to the international airport and civil aviation offices. To be honest, often there is traffic, and it takes a bit longer, however, we have a beach at our doorstep and have installed some air conditioning so it's bliss when the power and water are not cut with rolling brownouts throughout the city. Because of our location, we more often than not have power and water. We are truly grateful for this little apartment perched on the edge of the sea. There is also round the clock security guards, tall walls and a gate to secure our little community of apartments. 

During this time of transition to Libreville God has moved greatly in our hearts and lives. His goodness has oozed out all over the good, the bad and the ugly of moving and finding our way back in the capital city. We definitely miss our community at the Bongolo Hospital Station but are loving getting to host many of our friends in our home when they are in the city. 

This time of transition has felt as if the snow globe of our life has been overturned and everything that once was still, stable and known has become a swirling vortex of mess with our physical belongings and life callings, and sense of self, all in disorder and discord. We have clung to Jesus. We have sought His will and comfort. He has been present and calling us forward into new territory both physical and spiritual. 

One of the main things that have come out of this time is that Steve and I have started a two-year Sustainable Faith in Spiritual Direction course. We are in a member care cohort that meets every 4 months in France with online meetings in between. This training has called us into deeper waters of God-awareness, self and others awareness. We have read books and written reflection papers, we are receiving and giving spiritual direction under the leadership of an amazing couple that have years of training and practice between them. Our cohort is made up of pastors and member care providers working in France, Switzerland, Spain, the USA and Steve and I based in Gabon. You might think we are a big cohort but there are only 8 of us including our leaders. We are learning and practicing spiritual disciplines such as lectio Divina, centering prayers, daily examen prayers and many other practices. 

This season of change and transition has been among the toughest of our lives. In addition to what I've shared, there is deep grief surrounding our oldest son and some hard life changing stuff he has been going through. It's been grievous to be geographically distant from him during this time. We have been stretched; we have opened ourselves up to our Great God and a community of saints that have challenged us. We are growing and are experiencing more of what God is calling us towards. It has at times been brutal. This growing deeper in knowledge and experience of God and self is not for the faint of heart nor does it easily resolve. I will end with a poem/prayer from The Book of Common Courage:

"We would rather be shattered than silenced. 

We would rather be disturbed than dismissive. 

We would rather be heartbroken than hollow.

We would rather be vulnerable than vacuous.

We would rather be burdened than bullies.

We would rather be maligned than mean.

We would rather be aching than arrogant.

We would rather be vilified than vain.

We would rather be crushed than cruel.

God, bind up all the broken pieces of me and your church.

We would rather be in your hands than never at home.

We would rather hurt now than never heal."