A nuanced approach might be in order...

I've been reminded lately of when I first developed an awareness of tensions between beloved family members when I was growing up. It was destabilizing to my young and idealistic self that just wanted everyone to get along. The dawning realization of the adult world of complicated and nuanced relational dynamics within close family members was sobering. I didn't know who's side to take as I loved those involved so deeply and I felt uncertain and insecure in how to navigate through the altered landscape. It was a landscape of a grief of sorts - a loss of my simplistic understanding that led to a deeper realization of the complicated nuances of relationships. 

Don't get me wrong there was no massive or unusual rift in the family, it was just typical misunderstandings and personality differences and old wounds that surfaced from time to time at gatherings or, in most cases, in overheard conversations adults were having within my itchy ear-shot. It was destabilizing, none the less. 

I am a bit of a romantic and empathetic and also a recovering people-pleaser. I feel like there should be people pleasers support group meetings. Those of us that struggle with people pleasing could gather and say things like, "Hello my name is Alace and I'm a people pleaser, it's been 3 days since I last tried to please the people around me which inevitably spiraled into a fog of false guilt and anxiety because there's no pleasing those people!" And the room would resound with "Hello Alace" followed by shouts of, "Preach!", "Amen Sister!", "You know it!" that would lead to a standing ovation and I would feel so pleased with these people... I digress...

My beloved Uncle Bob would occasionally show up at the door of my childhood home unannounced with a winsome smile while holding a melting carton of ice cream. The ice cream was often melting because it was Texas and Texas is often hot y'all! I asked him once, "Why the ice cream Uncle Bob?" and he wisely responded, "Because it's harder to turn away someone while they are holding melting ice cream at your doorstep." And that, my friends, was a clue to understanding that adult relational dynamics are complicated because, why would my dad's brother need to resort to such tactics? Had my dad turned him away before? Why did he feel the need to up his game with the ice cream Trojan horse of good intentions? I'm 47 years old and I don't have the answers to those questions.

My Uncle Bob once told me that I was the reason he wanted to have his own kids. Awww... what an amazing compliment... it still gives me warm fuzzies! My dad was the first man I ever loved. He was my hero. Uncle Bob who, by the way, hates needles with a passion, faithfully donated his plasma again and again for my dad when dad was in the cancer ICU ward battling for his life. Dad and Uncle Bob loved each other, there's no doubt. Just the other day Uncle Bob posted an old photo of he and my dad hamming it up back in the day and saying how much he misses his big bro. My dad passed away 23 years ago. When it's all said and done love remains. 

I feel those old tensions rise up within my "can't we all just get along" spirit when I see friends and family and church family members posting on social media conflicting and sometimes antagonistic opinions and facts (factoids). It grieves me. I realize that life is filled with differing opinions and feelings and passions and there's multiple ways to interpret data and everyone has their own lenses of experiences and backgrounds that color their conclusions, especially amidst trust-busting news media reporting. I can't help but feel like jumping in and refereeing. Because I can fix it! ...if I just say it in the right way with the right data and slick graphics...

Just the other day I found myself responding to a fb post that seemed to draw some outrageous conclusions from an innocuous action. I responded fairly benignly but I was drawn in. Hours later I got a somewhat taunting reply, I mean, I took it that way but it's just flat, black and white words on the screen lacking the human tone of emotion that gives HUGE cues as to how to interpret those words on the screen. Anyway, I felt my sense of injustice rise up and the need to educate this clearly misguided person, so with my itchy fingers, I started to type out a reply that was soft at first glance but with heavy sarcastic undertones that would sting the recipient if all went according to my dastardly plans... And then I felt a distinct catch in my spirit. I paused and prayed and half-heartedly asked God what I should say and immediately I had a very clear answer pop up into my consciousness, "a gentle answer turns away wrath..." And when I looked up Proverbs 15 (NIV) it goes on to say, "...but a harsh word stirs up anger."

I deleted my unsent text letter by letter. I, instead, wrote out a gentle message of care and as I typed it out I found that my heart changed towards that person and the message of care became less an exercise of obedience and more a genuine outpouring of kindness. And that person responded with kindness as well. It changed the trajectory of the conversation and my heart grew three sizes that day. Ok maybe not three sizes...

Y'all, we are all grieving. And there are stages of grief and we don't move through them at the same speed or even in a linear fashion. Our world has been shaken like a snow globe and all sorts of junk has been flung hither and yon and is floating around getting up in everyone's everything. It's messy. It's destabilizing. It's dizzying. It's calling into question things that we haven't thought to question recently or ever. Add to that there's no clear end in sight.

It's causing family and friends and strangers to line up on two opposing cyber space sides like bizarre old school infantry battle lines to blast over a heavy artillery of inflammatory text and graphic-based data, facts, figures and opinions. It's a war out there. I will hereby dub it WWWWI, World Wide Web War I. The participants and casualties are you and me and grandmas and your old high school BFF and the people we go to church with... well we would normally go to church with if we could and if everyone could agree on when we should gather again and how we should gather and... And it's killing our Christian witness (for those of us that are Christians) and sense of civility amongst us all. It's very upsetting.

We have an amazing opportunity to love and extend grace and yes have hard conversations but let's not allow those necessary and hard conversations (potentially) to destroy our relationships. I have seen, for the first time, a click-bate article on how to have difficult conversations as told by real life hostage negotiators. Imagine that! It's so emotionally charged out there that I'm regularly seeing this come up on my news feed! 

Just like with my Dad and Uncle Bob, at the end of the day, love remains. And I wish I could show up on your doorstep with a melting carton of ice cream and you could invite me in and we could dig in to the ice-creamy goodness and talk through these troubling times with loving kindness. Of course not at the moment... I'm pretty far away and being together in person is a bit dicey right now. Perhaps that's why it's been so hostile recently because we are missing those powerful in person relational cues of humanity while looking into the eyes of another and hearing their voice and observing their body language. 93% of communication is non-verbal. That's a lot of communication that is not translated online through texts. No wonder it seems we are seeing some tone-deaf responses and reactions. Let's be kind and give generous amounts of grace. We can be like Oprah, "You get some grace! And you get some grace! Everybody gets some grace!"  

God Doesn’t Miss a Thing - Proverbs 15, The Message (MSG)

A gentle response defuses anger,

 but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.

Knowledge flows like spring water from the wise;

 fools are leaky faucets, dripping nonsense.

God doesn’t miss a thing—

 he’s alert to good and evil alike.

Kind words heal and help;

 cutting words wound and maim.

Moral dropouts won’t listen to their elders;

 welcoming correction is a mark of good sense.

The lives of God-loyal people flourish;

 a misspent life is soon bankrupt.

Perceptive words spread knowledge;

 fools are hollow—there’s nothing to them.

God can’t stand pious poses,

 but he delights in genuine prayers.

A life frittered away disgusts God;

 he loves those who run straight for the finish line.

It’s a school of hard knocks for those who leave God’s path,

 a dead-end street for those who hate God’s rules.

Even hell holds no secrets from God—

 do you think he can’t read human hearts?

Life Ascends to the Heights

Know-it-alls don’t like being told what to do;

 they avoid the company of wise men and women.

A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face;

 a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.

An intelligent person is always eager to take in more truth;

 fools feed on fast-food fads and fancies.

 A miserable heart means a miserable life;

 a cheerful heart fills the day with song.

A simple life in the Fear-of-God

 is better than a rich life with a ton of headaches.

Better a bread crust shared in love

 than a slab of prime rib served in hate.

Hot tempers start fights;

 a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.

The path of lazy people is overgrown with briers;

 the diligent walk down a smooth road.

Intelligent children make their parents proud;

 lazy students embarrass their parents.

The empty-headed treat life as a plaything;

 the perceptive grasp its meaning and make a go of it.

Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail;

 take good counsel and watch them succeed.

Congenial conversation—what a pleasure!

The right word at the right time—beautiful!

Life ascends to the heights for the thoughtful—

 it’s a clean about-face from descent into hell.

God smashes the pretensions of the arrogant;

 he stands with those who have no standing.

God can’t stand evil scheming,

 but he puts words of grace and beauty on display.

A greedy and grasping person destroys community;

 those who refuse to exploit live and let live.

Prayerful answers come from God-loyal people;

 the wicked are sewers of abuse.

God keeps his distance from the wicked;

 he closely attends to the prayers of God-loyal people.

A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart,

 and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle.

Listen to good advice if you want to live well,

 an honored guest among wise men and women.

An undisciplined, self-willed life is puny;

 an obedient, God-willed life is spacious.

Fear-of-God is a school in skilled living—

 first you learn humility, then you experience glory.